I was talking with a friend about my Love Story that I recently posted. Somehow, this turned into a discussion of a few of the crazy dating mishaps I had. It amazes me some of the stuff guys did that they acted like they were totally impressing me. Did they really think so? I kind of hope not. Just in case,based on my real dating experiences, here is a funny list of 10 things(in no particular order) not to do to impress a girl. I would like it noted that these are NOT all the same guy ( yikes that would be horrid!).But, to protect the innocent, from here on out they all will be referred to as "The Boy".
10. Do NOT invite a short girl on a nice dress-up date and show up in a huge truck. Bonus points if you Don't help her in said truck. Seriously, the floorboard came to my chest and I have heels and a tight skirt on. The Boy walks around to his side and says" Are you coming?" OK then, I guess I'll figure this out myself. I proceed to do a pull-up onto the floorboard and full body shimmy/wiggle up into my seat. Dude, help a girl out. Or at least warn her about said truck so she can wear her hiking boots.
9. Do NOT walk up to a girl when she is clearly on a date with someone else and ask " Is the date over yet?".We barely stepped out of the car, he hasn't even walked me to the door yet, and we are holding hands. Clearly the date is not, in fact, "over yet". Either get your eyes checked or buy some good running shoes because The Other Boy ( the one I'm still on a date with) does not appreciate it.
8. Do NOT take a blind date to a haunted house in hopes of getting to make out. I just meet you 5 minutes ago and I am freaked out of my mind; what part of that leaves me feeling amorous? In fact, there is a misconception to take girls to scary movies and they will make out with you. This is false information. If you want a girl to get romantic, take her to a chick flick. It's still no guarantee that she will kiss you, but you are less likely to get hit by flailing limbs or have your eardrums pierced by girly screams.
7. IF a girl tells you she just doesn't like you "Like that", do NOT suggest she make out with you so you can "prove her wrong". Seriously dude, I was just trying to let you down easy. Now I am kinda grossed out and might not even want to be your friend. Especially if you keep bringing it up and I wake up to have you staring at me in my room that one time. Now you are creepy + a little desperate, not a look you should aspire to.
6. Do NOT be a lurker. I'm talking to you guy-who-stands-in-the-corner-of-the-dorm-common-room-just-waiting-for-girl-to-come-out-of-her-room. Honestly if she wants to see you, she will make time to see you. If you keep accosting her every time she steps out her door, she's going to feel trapped in her room and kick out the screen of her first floor window to escape ( True story)
5. Do NOT Propose, or even hint at marriage 5 minutes after meeting the girl. Um, HI. We literally just started playing pool 10 minutes ago. I'm not sure we are ready to start discussing how many children we might want and if we should get married in July or wait for the fall. Life is not a Disney movie, they have to get married in 5 minutes to wrap up a story in a hour and a half. We do not.
4. Do NOT tell a girl you speak French when you really don't. She will ask you to say something in French. And when all you keep saying is " Chicken Cordon Blue" "French Fries" and "Oui Oui" in a fake accent for 10 minutes straight, you are not really fooling anyone. Also, you might or might not now live on in infamy to anyone who heard, not by your name, but as "Frenchie".
3. Do NOT decide you are bored with a girl and try to IMMEDIATELY move on with her best friend...and roommate. The Boy is walking me in from our date after we had a talk and decided it wasn't working out. There is a group of people sitting in the living room including my roommate. He walks up to her and asks her out. Master of Subtlety.
2. Do NOT ask a girl to dinner and tell her she can have ANYTHING she wants...as long as it's under $4...and you might have to share...and we can only drink water. I am all for free dates, sometimes they are the best ones. But plan ahead man! Don't ask a girl to dinner if you can't afford it. Do something fun and free! You are just making it worse when you keep saying " Whatever m'lady desires she can have....as long as it's under $4.... And not chicken because we need to share and I don't like Chicken.... maybe we can get some pasta and do the Lady and the Tramp thing with the noodles( Um HECK NO!).....And maybe we can tell them it's our birthday for a free dessert."
1. Do NOT make any animal noises at a girl to get her attention...EVER! I am not talking about the annoying wolf whistles or horrible cow mooing, that should be obvious ( then again, I am making this list so maybe it's not). I am at a dance and apparently not paying enough attention to THE Boy. The Song " Who Let the Dogs Out" comes on. He LITERALLY gets down on all fours and starts barking at me. Lucky for me, "What does the Fox say" was still years from existence.
You can't make this crap up. So, as a general rule, stop all the stunts and just be yourself. Fair warning, if you are going to do something crazy, you will probably be mentioned in stoires as examples of what not to do. Just sayin..
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