The job description of a mom

A couple months ago I was having a conversation with some other moms about driving your kids to school. To give you some background,  They changed the boundaries and bus routes in our area.  The kids were going to Sycamore Elementary but the buses were now only going to take them to Acacia Elementary.  You could still have your kids at Sycamore, but you would have to drive them. The discussion was to switch and drive or stay and bus. One Mom let out a self deprecating laugh and quickly said " Well we have to switch, I don't have the time or energy to drive them." She then quickly scanned our faces with a look of panic as if waiting for us to cast stones at her for admitting this. It saddened me that she automatically assumed that we would judge her for admitting something is too much for her and finding an alternative that worked for her family.

When the asked me, I stated that it didn't really matter for us because Alianna was just going to Kinder so she wasn't attached to either school and I was planning to drive no matter what. Another mom said " Oh! You're THAT mom." Although her condescending tone and frosty look screamed at me " Cut the apron strings you overbearing mother and stop coddling your child! She will never do anything for herself! "  I was shocked at the clear animosity and lost for words.  I wish I had said how much I loved riding home with my mom growing up. Something about her in the front concentrating on driving made it safe for me in the back to voice some deep thoughts and fears on that short drive home.  I wish I had said that, as long as I feel I can, I would like to drive me kids to school so I can have that time with them too.  The whole conversation has bothered me, like a scab I want to itch, for a couple months.

Why do we do this to ourselves and especially each other?  We all KNOW how hard a job this is, why can't we build each other up? Why not say " Score, glad you found what works for you, I'm going to go do what works for me. " I'm not privy to private male conversations, but it seems most dads I know are proud of themselves for anything remotely parental they do, period. I imagine they all high five each other and proclaim themselves Masters of the Universe on the one day a year they get up early with the kids and make a huge Mother's day breakfast that turns the kitchen into Ground Zero. I'm exaggerating of course, but the idea still stands that we should try to be a little more proud of ourselves and each other for whatever we do accomplish.

These thoughts have been swirling in my head when I saw a friend post on facebook something along the lines of her friend joking that " driving my kids to school is not in my job description". My friend then posed the question what is in the Mom's job description? I thought a lot on that and decided I really like the idea of a job description because there is NO ONE right answer. First, think of all the minutia of motherhood, there is no way that could be quantified and written down as a job description. There's no choosing beforehand which tasks you will undertake and which are beyond what you are willing to put up with. ( If this were true, I would put it in my contract that I NEVER have to potty train a child. All my children would be under contract that they will wake up when they are 2 /2 and be fully potty trained and never have a single accident).  Also, if you were to actually write down the entirety of Motherhood, NO ONE would take that job, am I right?

I like the idea of a job description for Moms because my job is completely different than yours. My employees are different then yours so we are automatically in different jobs. You might look at my horde, I mean adorable children, and the antics they pull and think you could never handle that. That's cool, you don't have to and, likewise, I don't have to put up with the shenanigans your hooligans pull.  ArJay has been working days on Sunday for about 6 months now. This means I am the trying to wrangle my 3 children 5 and under to sit quietly, not poke each other, not escape under the pew, not throw cheerios at the kid two rows up, go out for 5 potty breaks all together all in the 1 hour of sacrament meeting by myself. This last week, we were nearly late and all the pews were taken so we sat in the metal chairs in the back. This adds a whole other level of chaos as I am trying to contain the running baby from zooming down the aisles and banging ever item in my purse loudly on the metal chair. A sweet lady came up to me afterwards and said, " You sure have your hands full" with a look of deep pity and like she wouldn't wish my situation on her worst enemy. But I just thought of the cliche " You think my hands are full, you should see my heart". They might be stinkers sometimes but they are MY stinkers.

I never claimed to be a perfect parent, you know who is a perfect parent? Someone without kids.  We all think we know best and our kids "will never do such and such" Then you have kids and all you chocolate covered ideals get blown to pieces with the first tantrum-in-the-middle-of-Walmart-for-no-reason-except-she's-2. But I think that's another reason you can't write down a Mom's job description. Because it's constantly changing and adapting to match your kids. And you are going to screw up...royally...at least a thousand times. But kids are amazing because they will love you anyways and might not even realize you messed up.  Because you are their perfect mom. I would be an awful Mom to Susie Q over there, but I am the perfect Mom for Alianna, Kendall, and Bryson. That's why the Lord made me their Mom and they are my kids. The Lord knows us and knows who we need and needs us.

The point I'm trying to make is that we all need to stop comparing ourselves to each other. We have different job descriptions. If you asked a banker to perform heart surgery, he couldn't. That's not his job. And your job is to be the best mom you can be for your kids today, the end. By the way, You are ROCKIN' it! Just the fact that you worry about it, proves you rock it.

 I keep thinking of one of my favorite quotes, it's by Albert Einstein: " Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." So don't worry about Susie Q or her mom. They are flying while you are swimming. And love on your fish the best way you can.

I can do hard things

I have been training for a marathon that is on September 13 in Utah. It should be beautiful there in September, but this means I have been waking up at o'dark early to get my long runs in before the sun melts my skin off this summer.  Besides the incredible peel-my-eyes-open-to-stay-awake tiredness, it was going really well. Until about a month ago.

I was doing a long run, I think it was supposed to be 15 miles. Long story, but I didn't have enough water and started getting dehydrated and my knee started really hurting so I didn't finish. I am SEVERELY competitive with myself ( Not others, I'm everyone else's cheerleader) so this was incredibly frustrating. But I figured I would just plan more accordingly and have more water stops next time.  But the more I ran, the more my knee hurt. I was in Utah for the 24th of July, and on a whim, decided to run the half marathon so I could get a good gauge of the severe downhill and elevation change for my marathon.  I was doing ok for the first 6-7 miles but then it really started hurting but I kept going. One of my mantras I tell myself when I run is " You can do hard things! You have given birth to 3 children, you can do this hard thing too." But by the last mile, I was noticeably limping and stopped to walk 3 times. Again, in my uber-competitive mind, walking is not allowed at all, much less 3 times in the last mile. The last time, I almost couldn't even start again, my knee was excruciatingly and didn't even want to move that way. 

So I went to my chiropractor friend and had him give me an adjustment and check it out. I had it worked up in my mind that he could give me an instant fix. Wrong-O! He felt around it and said there was swelling and fluid around my knee. He asked if I was dead set on the marathon because it really needed a break. Nope, that was not an option 5 weeks from the race and I was DOING the race. He let me borrow his foam roller and gave me exercises to do and said ( in a there-is-no-hope-for-you-but-I'll-try-to-reassure-you voice) " Ice is your best friend. "

So I ice-d the crap out of it every night and did the exercises that hurt like a mother.  I went for a run with my mother-in-law because we both needed to do a 16-18 miler in our training. 3 miles in it was painful. 4.5 miles in, I sent her on and walk/shuffle/jogged back the 4.5 home. That was last Saturday.

This Thursday I went to KT tape clinic that the local running store offered. I'd heard of this mystical KT tape that athletes used and thought " This is it self! This tape will solve all your problems and you will be a great runner again!" The physical therapists were awesome. I stayed after and had them feel my knee and show exactly how to tape it. As she felt it she said" That's not going to get better. It will probably get worse ( "wait WHat??? There's a worse then that!) if you continue to log long miles. The only way to heal it is a couple weeks rest. " As she saw my mutinous look, she said " Or at least no long runs for a couple weeks, nothing more that 3 miles". Also, they used diagram and showed me why it's hurting so much and it basically boils down to my butt isn't strong enough so I overcompensate and it pulls my IT band which is connected around my knee. So my crap butt is too weak.  This is apparently very common for long distance runners, that or the guy just felt bad for me and my sorry butt. He suggested I do lots to strengthen my butt (squats etc) but had the caveat that  " this won't really help you for the race, it's too soon for you to get strong enough in 4 weeks." Awesome.

So Friday morning I am taped up, took a preemptive ibuprofen, and was determined. I ran 7 miles and got back to the house to run another 9 with ArJay. After those first 7 by myself, I was in Agony. At mile 2 it hurt, but the tape helped a little. But I was limping by mile 7. I did OK for the first 2 with ArJay, but by the 3rd with him ( my 10th) I walked more then I ran. And limp walked at that. Another of my mantras is " Your body can go farther than your mind thinks it can". But the problem is, my body can't do it. My mind wants to, and my endurance and lung capacity can, but my knee can't. It is still aching right now and that was yesterday morning and I still have a bit of a limp. ArJay commented that he has never seen me walk once before that and gently suggested that maybe I shouldn't try to run a full marathon in less then 5 weeks.  My first thought was "HECK NO! that is not an option! I've been training for 3 months! Do you know how much sleep I've given up for this?" But by the 5th time I had to stop to walk, I started to see his point. When he pointed out that the physical therapist said it would get worse and I might injury myself seriously so I can't run at all for a long time, I realized that wasn't an option for me either. 

So this angsty-novel means, I'm not running a marathon in September. I will still do the half but that seems like a consolation prize when I've trained for the full. ArJay has been super supportive and pointed out that I can still do one, my dream isn't dying, just getting postponed.  I know it seems silly and pointless to some, but I really poured my heart into this, and it feels like I failed. I am a mass of emotions but one of the most prevalent emotions is embarrassment. I know myself well enough to know one of the biggest things I enjoyed about training for this was the shock and awe I got when telling people. I like surprising people. " Why yes I am a stay at home mom to 3 kids 5 and under and yes I can still run a marathon." Now it feels like I'm a wannabe who couldn't hack it when things got real. I feel like the scarlet Letter on my chest reads "Not a real runner". 

I have been sitting around in this surly teenager-whose-boyfriend-just-broke-up-with-her depression since I decided yesterday I wouldn't do the full. But I just had the epiphany that I was just being melodramatic.  What is my problem? If you get of the couch and go outside, you are a runner. I wrote a post about that very thing back here. And running a HALF marathon is not a consolation prize. If you had told 3 years ago Maggie she would be disappointed by that, I would have laughed at you and said I'd be happy to run 1 mile without stopping. But the biggest revelation is, my mantra is still true, and not just for running. It is all-encompassing for life. "You CAN do hard things!"  I think the trouble is sometimes the hard things aren't things.Sometimes it's realizing what you planned and what will actually happen aren't the same thing. So you learn to adjust your goals and deal with the setback. So that is my new goal. To focus on the positive ( Hey now I will be running the half with Arjay so we can have 2+ hours of uninterrupted talking during the race, how often does that happen with 3 small humans in the house?) and not giving up on the goal of running a marathon, just not now. 

Also Next time I will be more prepared, I'm looking at you weak butt! We are doing soo many squats...