I was doing a long run, I think it was supposed to be 15 miles. Long story, but I didn't have enough water and started getting dehydrated and my knee started really hurting so I didn't finish. I am SEVERELY competitive with myself ( Not others, I'm everyone else's cheerleader) so this was incredibly frustrating. But I figured I would just plan more accordingly and have more water stops next time. But the more I ran, the more my knee hurt. I was in Utah for the 24th of July, and on a whim, decided to run the half marathon so I could get a good gauge of the severe downhill and elevation change for my marathon. I was doing ok for the first 6-7 miles but then it really started hurting but I kept going. One of my mantras I tell myself when I run is " You can do hard things! You have given birth to 3 children, you can do this hard thing too." But by the last mile, I was noticeably limping and stopped to walk 3 times. Again, in my uber-competitive mind, walking is not allowed at all, much less 3 times in the last mile. The last time, I almost couldn't even start again, my knee was excruciatingly and didn't even want to move that way.
So I went to my chiropractor friend and had him give me an adjustment and check it out. I had it worked up in my mind that he could give me an instant fix. Wrong-O! He felt around it and said there was swelling and fluid around my knee. He asked if I was dead set on the marathon because it really needed a break. Nope, that was not an option 5 weeks from the race and I was DOING the race. He let me borrow his foam roller and gave me exercises to do and said ( in a there-is-no-hope-for-you-but-I'll-try-to-reassure-you voice) " Ice is your best friend. "
So I ice-d the crap out of it every night and did the exercises that hurt like a mother. I went for a run with my mother-in-law because we both needed to do a 16-18 miler in our training. 3 miles in it was painful. 4.5 miles in, I sent her on and walk/shuffle/jogged back the 4.5 home. That was last Saturday.
This Thursday I went to KT tape clinic that the local running store offered. I'd heard of this mystical KT tape that athletes used and thought " This is it self! This tape will solve all your problems and you will be a great runner again!" The physical therapists were awesome. I stayed after and had them feel my knee and show exactly how to tape it. As she felt it she said" That's not going to get better. It will probably get worse ( "wait WHat??? There's a worse then that!) if you continue to log long miles. The only way to heal it is a couple weeks rest. " As she saw my mutinous look, she said " Or at least no long runs for a couple weeks, nothing more that 3 miles". Also, they used diagram and showed me why it's hurting so much and it basically boils down to my butt isn't strong enough so I overcompensate and it pulls my IT band which is connected around my knee. So my crap butt is too weak. This is apparently very common for long distance runners, that or the guy just felt bad for me and my sorry butt. He suggested I do lots to strengthen my butt (squats etc) but had the caveat that " this won't really help you for the race, it's too soon for you to get strong enough in 4 weeks." Awesome.
So Friday morning I am taped up, took a preemptive ibuprofen, and was determined. I ran 7 miles and got back to the house to run another 9 with ArJay. After those first 7 by myself, I was in Agony. At mile 2 it hurt, but the tape helped a little. But I was limping by mile 7. I did OK for the first 2 with ArJay, but by the 3rd with him ( my 10th) I walked more then I ran. And limp walked at that. Another of my mantras is " Your body can go farther than your mind thinks it can". But the problem is, my body can't do it. My mind wants to, and my endurance and lung capacity can, but my knee can't. It is still aching right now and that was yesterday morning and I still have a bit of a limp. ArJay commented that he has never seen me walk once before that and gently suggested that maybe I shouldn't try to run a full marathon in less then 5 weeks. My first thought was "HECK NO! that is not an option! I've been training for 3 months! Do you know how much sleep I've given up for this?" But by the 5th time I had to stop to walk, I started to see his point. When he pointed out that the physical therapist said it would get worse and I might injury myself seriously so I can't run at all for a long time, I realized that wasn't an option for me either.
So this angsty-novel means, I'm not running a marathon in September. I will still do the half but that seems like a consolation prize when I've trained for the full. ArJay has been super supportive and pointed out that I can still do one, my dream isn't dying, just getting postponed. I know it seems silly and pointless to some, but I really poured my heart into this, and it feels like I failed. I am a mass of emotions but one of the most prevalent emotions is embarrassment. I know myself well enough to know one of the biggest things I enjoyed about training for this was the shock and awe I got when telling people. I like surprising people. " Why yes I am a stay at home mom to 3 kids 5 and under and yes I can still run a marathon." Now it feels like I'm a wannabe who couldn't hack it when things got real. I feel like the scarlet Letter on my chest reads "Not a real runner".
I have been sitting around in this surly teenager-whose-boyfriend-just-broke-up-with-her depression since I decided yesterday I wouldn't do the full. But I just had the epiphany that I was just being melodramatic. What is my problem? If you get of the couch and go outside, you are a runner. I wrote a post about that very thing back here. And running a HALF marathon is not a consolation prize. If you had told 3 years ago Maggie she would be disappointed by that, I would have laughed at you and said I'd be happy to run 1 mile without stopping. But the biggest revelation is, my mantra is still true, and not just for running. It is all-encompassing for life. "You CAN do hard things!" I think the trouble is sometimes the hard things aren't things.Sometimes it's realizing what you planned and what will actually happen aren't the same thing. So you learn to adjust your goals and deal with the setback. So that is my new goal. To focus on the positive ( Hey now I will be running the half with Arjay so we can have 2+ hours of uninterrupted talking during the race, how often does that happen with 3 small humans in the house?) and not giving up on the goal of running a marathon, just not now.
Also Next time I will be more prepared, I'm looking at you weak butt! We are doing soo many squats...
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