A day in my life with 3 small hooligans, I mean children

ArJay took a significant pay cut to come to Highway Patrol. In the long run, it will be much better but right now things are a little tight. While we were brainstorming ways to supplement, he suggested I could substitute teach again. ( I subbed when we were first married while I finished my Elementary ed degree). I asked "What about the kids? What will they do all day?". He said, and I quote, " That's easy, just sub on my days off and I'll stay home with the kids." Isn't that adorable? Poor sweet naive man! Staying home with 3 children 5 and under is many things, easy is not one of them. Here's a typical day in my life:

5:30 am: Open my eyes to the 5 year old's face inches from mine as she creepily whispers "Mommy, Mom, Momma, mom." Without a word I open the covers and scoot over for her. Smelling my weakness, she asks if she can watch a show. She takes my grunt as a yes and quickly grabs my Kindle Fire and turns on Netflix. 

6:00 am: I hear the baby and can no longer feign sleep. 

6:10 am: The 3 year old is awake and calling from his room because we have knob handles specifically so the 3 year old can't escape himself. I ask the 5 year old to let him out while I start nursing the baby.

6:15 am: I put on Disney Channel for the older two to come out of their zombie first-wake-up-state while I nurse the baby.

6:45 am: Breakfast time. The 5 year old thinks she can make her own waffles and I have to run interference as she nearly drops the toaster on the baby's head while "doing it herself". I get the 3 year old some cereal that yesterday was, and I quote, "the best food ever". Today, apparently, it is vile and not fit for human consumption.

7:00 am: The 3 year old stands up with panic on his face and utters the 5 words that strike fear in every mom's heart: " I need to go potty!"

7:02 am: Despite my 100 yard dash carrying the 3 year old, I was too late and there is now a trail of pee on the floor to the bathroom. Also, it is on my leg. 

7:03 am: While the 3 year old washes his hands, I peek out and see the baby about to put a piece of cereal in his mouth that was sitting in the pee trail. Luckily, my dash is quick enough this time and I grab it just in time. The look he gives me is reminiscent of Cindy Lou Who as the Grinch steals her Christmas tree. " But Mother why? Why did you take my pee-soaked cereal before I could eat it?"

7:05 am: As I carry the baby to the bathroom to wash his hands, I realize he has had a blowout and it is EVERYWHERE, including on my shirt. So I toss both boys in the tub for the first bath of the day. 

7:40 am: As I get the boys out of the tub, I tell the 5 year old to get dressed and start picking her snack for preschool.

7:45 am: The 5 year old says she has "nothing to wear" 

7:50 am: I go and grab a shirt and skirt from the drawers so full of clothes they won't even close and hand them to her. These are unacceptable because they " don't look cute together"

8:00 am: We finally agree on an outfit that isn't too small, short, big, fancy, or "uncute". Meanwhile, the boys have been running around naked while I helped solve the fashion crisis.

8:10 am: The baby now has a diaper and the 3 year old has a shirt and undies on.

8:15 am: "Mom I'm hungry"

8:25 am: Start shuttling kids to the car to take the 5 year old to preschool which is just around the corner. The 5 year old has 75 shoes, but no matching pairs. "Where are the shoes you wore yesterday?" " I don't know."  "Where did you last see them?" "....On my feet?"

8:28 am: Found shoes, pulling out of the driveway.  " Mom I don't have a snack!" Stop car. Run in and grab first food related item found. Today, snack is a slice of white bread.

8:31 am: Pull into preschool. Notice 5 year old's hair looks like she's the lost member of Flock of Seagulls. Try flattening it with my own spit. Kiss and hug and she's gone.

8:32 am: She's back, forgot her snack, shoes, and backpack in the car.

8:35 am: Hurry home and put clothes on the boys ( The baby was just in a diaper and the 3 year old still just had a shirt and undies one when I dropped off the 5 year old)

8:45 am: Leave for playgroup. The playgroup's sole purpose is to pass time until naptime.

9:30 am: The baby, who is teething, has bitten every surface in your friend's house...and a couple people

9:55 am: The 3 year old, who was desperate to come, doesn't want to play with his friend anymore because his friend isn't giving him every SINGLE. TOY. HE. OWNS. His friend has the audacity to play with the truck after the 3 year old puts it down and walks away. I inform him we will have to leave if he doesn't play nice

9:56 am: They are miraculously best friends again.

11:00 am: In an effort to stave off tantrums, inform the 3 year old there are 5 minutes left until we are leaving.

11:05 am: Announce it's time to leave. Should have announced I run down puppies for the drama that ensues.

11:06 am: Drag wailing children to the car while yelling thanks to friend.

11:15 am: Pick up 5 year old from preschool. The boys have fallen asleep in the car. Score! Drama free naptime.

11:20 am: With the stealth of  a CIA operative, unload the baby and 3 year old to their beds.

11:21 am: 3 year old wakes up just as I lay him in his bed. Awesome.

11:25 am: Feeling magnanimous ( read: so tired I can't handle it) I ask if the older 2 would like to watch a show during quiet time. They immediately start shouting that "Jake is better than Mickey". " I want Sofia" "He ALWAYS gets to pick!"

11:30 am: Make what I feel is a fair deal that we can watch 3 year old's favorite show and then 5 year old's. 5 year old is shocked I would even suggest it because she "will have to wait one whole(20 minute) show until the one she likes."  Wars have started over smaller things then this affront to her.

11:40 am: Do what I should have done  from the start and announce it's "mom's turn to pick". Am informed I " pick the weirdest, worst shows ever" Inform said child they don't have to watch then. Shockingly, my choice is not so bad after all.

12:30 pm: Lunch time. The cereal that was vile this morning now appears the most delicious ever. Apparently the same bowl sitting all morning getting the milk moldy only enhances flavor. When I take the bowl away and inform him he can't eat it because it's gross and will make him sick, the 3 year old says it's " the ONLY thing [he] wants" and "I won't get sick, I'm superman".

1 pm: Lunch is over, I gently suggest they go play outside or in the playroom while I clean up ( read: just give me 15 minutes, PLEASE!)

2pm-4pm: Daddy( who works nights) is awake. He plays with kids while I finish cleaning the pee trail, wash the dishes, do a load of the soiled laundry, and maybe, if I'm lucky, pee by myself.

4:15 pm: Baby is awake and ready to nurse. 3 year old is ready to take flying leaps after yelling " Jetpack activated!" onto me while nursing.

4:45 pm: I leave for a quick run. Feel like I'm in the Hunger Games as I say bye to Daddy and wish him luck " May the odds be ever in your favor"

5:15 pm: Return from run and hear sounds like a cat being strangled, Rush inside.

5:16 pm: Happily, no strangled cats. All the children are STARVING though. Thus, the entire bag of cereal on the floor and loud declarations that they "NEED fruit snacks!" and "Can't WAIT for dinner!"

5:18 pm: Run through Mental Rolodex and decide Spaghetti will be a quick 10 minute prep meal.

5:25 pm: 5 year old NEEDS to do her homework

5:30 pm: 3 year old NEEDS his butt wiped

5:40 pm: Baby NEEDS food and is going postal at my feet until he gets it

6:00 pm: My 10 minute dinner is ready

6:20 pm: Baby throws spaghetti and it gets in his hair. 3 year old thinks this is so funny, he literally falls off his chair

6:30 pm: Look at children who look like they were involved in a bloody massacre. Consider a "drive-by" to Grandma's. Think to myself " Self, If we show up and she sees how dirty they are, she will probably offer to give them baths. I can feign innocence and graciously murmur 'I suppose so, if you really want to' ".

6:35 pm: Decide to man up and bath them myself

6:50 pm: Inexplicably, I ( the only one outside the tub) am more wet then the hooligans in it.

6:55 pm: Time to wash hair.  If you believe the 3 year old, This is the worst form of child abuse. He would seemingly rather have his toenails pulled out.

7 pm: Trying to herd 3 naked kids into pjs makes me feel like I am herding cats...into water.

7:10 pm: Nightly dance party! Let the wild Rumpus start

7:20 pm: Naturally, the 3 year old got too dizzy and took out the 5 year old, the baby, and a side table. But the lamp is ok!

7:30 pm: Kisses and Hugs for Daddy as he leaves for work. I announce it is time to brush teeth. The 3 year old knows incarceration ( aka bedtime) is nigh and tries to explain why it can't possibly be time to brush teeth.

7:40 pm: Teeth are brushed and kids are in their rooms. Now hostage negotiations begin

7:41 pm: "One more story Mom"

7:42 pm: "I'm thirsty Mom."

7:43 pm: "I want the blue cup Mom"

7:44 pm: "I'm cold, can you fix my blanket?"

7:45 pm: "I'm hot now, can you turn on the fan?"

7:46 pm: "Can I have my Rapunzel doll?"

7:47 pm: "Not the hard doll, the soft one."

7:48 pm: "And the Barbie Rapunzel." ( How MANY Rapunzel's does one child need??I'm cutting off the grandparents and all their gifts, the madness has to stop!)

7:49 pm: "Can you sing my song ONE more time?"

7:50 pm: " ONE more kiss and hug?" ( This is their trump card. They know I will cut them off with the rest, but I will not deny hugs and kisses)

8 pm: Hostage Negotiations are over, I have stopped answering the siren call of "mom?" and they are not allowed to leave their rooms.

8:15 pm: While nursing the baby to sleep, he gets a second wind and thinks it's party time

9 pm: Baby finally in bed, I sit down to read a little. Fall asleep sitting up with the light on, only made it to page 3.

The ridiculous part? When ArJay suggested I give this up for just 1 day a week to sub, I scoffed. I can't imagine a job I would rather do everyday. Either I have amazing kids, or there is something seriously wrong with me. Don't judge, Too much Mickey Mouse will make anyone a little screwy....

I Dislike Mother's Day

Ok I need to be perfectly clear here, I am not bitter or angry or hate being a mom and abhor the very reminder of  the fact that I am a mother. In fact, I love my three children with wild abandon and count them as my greatest accomplishments and blessings in life. Likewise, I do not have some horrific tale of horrible mother figures who did me wrong. I have an incredible loving mother who I can only hope to emulate and have been blessed with countless amazing mother figures as examples throughout my life.

So why ya gotta hate on Mother's Day Magdelyn?

Glad you asked. You see, I have had some very close friends and family who have a very hard time with Mother's Day. They all had different reasons, whether they lost their own mothers, lost a child, had infertility issues, or were still single and desperately wanted to be married with children. But the end result is the same for all of them, Mother's day is an embarrassing, awkward, heart-wrenching reminder of how different they are. I have sat with a friend and cried with her as she  poured her heart out about how inferior she feels and she doesn't even go to church on Mother's Day and tries to pretend it doesn't exist. So, although I love and appreciate all the sweet Facebook posts of "Happy Mother's day to all the moms I know!" I also cringe for my friend.

I also don't like the 'pressure ' of Mother's Day, like it is supposed to be awesome and all about me and my awesome-ness. It's probably because I am a pretty competitive person, but I often judge my Mother's day against others and feel I fall drastically short. As I read the sweet Facebook post so-and-so writes about how his wife is the best mother ever and he's so lucky and small birds braid her hair every morning since she's obviously as perfect as a cartoon princess etc etc I smile at the utter sweetness. Then I think Wait! My husband didn't write a short novel about how wonderful I am! Does he not adore me or appreciate me like so and so? I also love to hear how cute husbands and kids let the mom sleep in and make her breakfast and homemade cards. I can picture it like a Hallmark card commercial. Oh wait what did I get this morning? My husband accidentally waking up the baby at 4:30 am as he leaves for work and a child who didn't sleep well so everyone is cranky and tired and it's not even 7 am. I would kill just to sleep in and have my children dressed for church without world war 3 breaking out, forget breakfast or homemade cards. Sometimes, I feel quite inferior on Mother's day too.

Suffice it to say, when they announced that all the women would be meeting for a special meeting today, I did not have a cheerful disposition about it. I didn't want to leave my Beehives( 12-13 year old girls) I teach who think I'm awesome to go hear about mothers who truly are awesome and remarkable and feel like a failure. But, as often happens to me and my stubborn self, I was humbled by the amazing talks. They didn't talk about Mothers or how to do a + b to be a perfect mom. I don't think they even talked about being a mom. They talked about women and how amazing and unique we are. They talked about how we all have an influence over everyone we come in contact with and if we listen to the Lord we can know how we can best influence others. And we will all influence each other differently because we ALL are different. And that's a beautiful thing. But I think the most profound thing I heard was that we need to be patient with ourselves. We are all so endlessly patient and forgiving of others shortcomings but so hard on ourselves. We aren't fair to ourselves. We women are incredible and capable of so much more then we give ourselves credit for.

So I might come around to the idea of Mother's day. But, I submit that we change the name to "Women Are Awesome" day or "Women Rule The World" or "Love Yourselves Silly Women!" Day. They all work for me and are really the crux of what this day means to me.  It is not about if you are a mom, will never be a Mom, or even what kind of mom you are. It is about appreciating the woman you are today because of your life experiences to this point and the one you can continue to become.

Also, I think there should be at LEAST a monthly " Women Rock" day. Once a year? Really? Haven't you heard how fabulous we are, that needs to be celebrated more.